Tuesday, 30 April 2013

Nobody Likes You When You're 23

I don't look much older. I don't feel much older. I definitely don't act much older... But, as it is, I am much older. I am 23, and that is that, and, according to blink-182 and a birthday card from my sister, 'nobody likes you when you're 23,' so I'm just going to have to deal with it.

I have gone to the liberty of making a list of things that, as a 23 year old, I should probably try and phase out of my lifestyle:

  • Wearing a name badge at work that says 'Jean' because I have lost mine, and then refusing to answer to anything else
  • Letting my boss catch me 'playing hopscotch up and down the counter for ten minutes and not doing any work'
  • Correcting my boss when she reprimands me for this by telling her it was not hopscotch but in fact the Cha Cha Slide dance routine
  • Anything involving the Cha Cha Slide dance routine
  • Cheestrings
Instead, I will fill my time with only intelligent conversation and respectable actions. My working attitude will be less belligerent and I will execute my customer service with the gravitas it deserves. As a kickstart to my new, dignified lifestyle, I had a trial run and attended a dinner party at my friend Bella's house. (I say attended, I was technically co-hosting, but mostly all I did was turn up in denim, take control of the music, and force Tequila on the other guests). During the dinner party, conversation turned, as it does at dinner parties, to people's experiences of being on TV. Notable appearances include Bella's dad having multiple cameos on Time Team and our friend Alun expressing his views on politics, doctoring, and the new 20p coin. When it came to my family, however, we deviated slightly from standard dinner party etiquette as our only claims to fame were my cousin Steve debuting on Sun, Sex and Suspicious Parents and my sister making an appearance on a channel 4 documentary about phone sex. All we need now is for me to go on Jeremy Kyle and we've got a full set.

Once, when I was twelve, I went on holiday to Gran Canaria and the musician in the bar let me have a go on his guitar and play a really depressing Nirvana song to families drinking sangria and trying to be happy. (This was the start of a stage I went through where all I would wear were baggy jeans with skulls on them and big jumpers. Even on holiday. In 35 degree heat). As I left the stage, the musician thanked me and said maybe he'd see me on TV one day, and then, in an undertone, 'on Crime Watch.' I only hope that one day I can fulfill this man's prophecy and end up on Crime Watch, if not because I have committed an impressive crime, then at least as a victim in a reconstruction of a mugging, complete with dramatic screaming and, I can only hope, a swag bag.

I feel like if I ever got mugged in real life I would be the biggest disappointment ever. (Story of my life, I know). Someone would come over with a pistol and demand all of my valuables, and I would just have to stand there, probably having pissed myself, and hand over the Nokia mobile phone I've had since 2007 that has a missing back and £3.42 in change. I think I would end up being more embarrassed than traumatised... Maybe I'll invest in an iPhone, just so I can have a scrap of dignity when my time eventually comes. To be honest, I'm not sure why I don't just get a new phone anyway, regardless of mugging prospects. I think I've grown so used to all of my possessions being broken through lack of care that I can't actually envision a world in which I don't have to stand on a chair holding my radio aerial in order to get Radio 1 or support my camera lens when taking a photo so it doesn't fall out of the body. My glasses have also recently joined my growing collection of broken possessions after I dropped them at work and broke the frame. I had to spend my morning in search of a strong adhesive to hold them together and then, in the afternoon, I had a phonecall from Specsavers saying that as I have ignored their relentless phone calls and letters, they are assuming that I no longer require their contact lenses and have cancelled my direct debit. Consequently, I am now too embarrassed to go and get my glasses fixed and I can't wear contacts because my supply has been cut off, leaving me walking around with broken glasses that are, despite what the last ten people who've noticed have told me, very noticeable. 


Alun said...

Don't worry Amy, it's not because you are 23 x

Amelie said...

Haha, thanks for the reassurance, Alun!