Sunday, 12 August 2012

So, Dressage - It's Not a Joke?

As the Olympics draw to a close, I am becoming increasingly worried about how I am going to fill my time now there are no more dancing horse events to watch on the telly. (I did have an idea about maybe teaching a cow to dance the Macarena and seeing if we could get into the dressage events in the Rio games, but that started a big debate about whether a cow could stand on its hind legs and, if so, would I be able to stay on its back... That idea is on the back burner. For now.)

It's been a fantastic two weeks and it's been amazing to be able to watch and support the most incredible sporting talents from all over the world perform things I wouldn't have thought the human body was even capable of. It's baffling that the gymnasts are even able to walk as they clearly have no bones, but they seem to manage it pretty well and for that I commend them. I was also pretty impressed at the amount of people who actually knew the British national anthem - I put on the BBC subtitles and got the lyrics up in an attempt to learn it, but they kept getting it wrong. (Unless it does actually say, 'God save our noble tea', which wouldn't be all that surprising...).

If the Olympics has been good for one thing, it's getting the country all excited about exercise and pushing everyone into that 'get fit' frame of mind that is very common around New Year's Eve. I myself have ventured to the swimming pool this past week with my sister and her friend Gemma as part of a 'Get Fit, Stay Fit' regime that will probably go to shit around this time next week. Routine exercise is something that everyone always says they do but never actually does, like washing jeans or using the left wing mirror on the car. (What does that mirror even do, really? I'm fairly certain it is for decorative purposes only and provides no function whatsoever). In terms of self confidence, weekday evenings are definitely the best time to go swimming as the pool is not full of thin, athletic people who can swim ten lengths under water without coming up, but rather 50+ year old women who have come under the pretence of 'exercise' so they can gossip out of ear shot of others and then go home and eat 5 crumpets because they've 'already burned off the calories'. (OK, so the crumpet thing was really me, but I bet they did it too). Plus, as Gemma pointed out, we get labelled as 'serious swimmers' because we're the only ones in the pool wearing goggles. Admittedly, I would have felt more serious if I wasn't in a bright turquoise swimming costume as it was the only one I could find. It was clearly made for sunbathing only and not actual swimming though, as I discovered after inadvertently flashing my boobs to the rest of the pool and subsequently forcing Kezia to tie the knot at the top as tight as she could so it wouldn't happen again. It didn't, thankfully, but it came with consequences and by the end of the hour I could feel neither my arms nor my breasts, neither of which were too great a loss.

Now, I am still unemployed (not for lack of trying), but be under no illusion that I am not being productive. I spent all day Thursday trimming the hedges in the garden (including the Laurel bush, thank you very much) and making the outside of my dad's house look exceptionally neat, tidy, and professional. Well, sort of. I soon realised that trimming hedges was very similar to cutting your own fringe. You know when you just keep saying, 'oh, just a little bit more... I'll just even this bit out... and just here...' and then suddenly you're sporting a crew cut and wondering what happened? Same thing. I often get out of control when I am allowed any use of tools and/or stationary. I'm sure I can't be alone in this - one trip to the stationary shop and suddenly everything in the house needs stapling together or gluing or tying up with string... I should really use all of my new found free time to exercise my self control, but when there's holes to be punched, who has the time? Maybe I should jump on the bandwagon and start reading 50 Shades of Grey, just to see what all the fuss is about. I've not really heard fantastic reviews about it, although I did get a rather mixed one from my mother the other week: 'God, it's such crap! I mean, I'm halfway through the third one and...'  - need I say more?


Davina said...

So glad that stationery shop is now stationary - I spent all last week running to catch it up.

Melissa Pace said...

Please send photos when you dance ride the cow. Also, maybe crew cut hedges look rather distinguished.