Saturday, 8 May 2010

Placement Description: Photographer, Job Description: ToffeeCrisp Merchant

I'm starting to that think job descriptions provided by employers are almost as full of as much crap as CVs, given that on Thursday I spent the majority of the day stood in a freezing cold church selling coffee, tea and chocolate biscuits. I was already in a bad mood given that the Royal Mail had posted a 'Sorry, You Were Out' leaflet through my door, despite the fact that I was actually in and had they put a bit more umph into the ringing of the doorbell, I might have answered the door. So anyway, I spent a good couple of hours stood there in my seven coats wondering what on Earth I was going to write in a 3,600 word essay on my placement. "Day 1: Three people came into the church. Two were looking for a public toilet, the third bought a ToffeeCrisp." I'll then have to reel off some kind of rubbish about how I used my initiative, learned to deal with the public and then gush about how the experience bettered me as a person... I'm currently undecided as whether or not to include an incident on the way home in which a man, for want of a better phrase, whipped out his cock. Really. In the middle of broad daylight. And I wasn't even in Bradford. "Sorry love, it's just, you sometimes get caught short, know what I mean?" Yes, I do know what you mean. I also know what you do: go use the public toilets at the church. And buy a ToffeeCrisp whilst you're at it. To be fair to him, he was pretty well endowed for a tramp. It's not even like I've got a nice home to go back to after a long day due to the family of ants that have recently taken up residence in our living room. As I watched them crawl around the room looking as though they were having a whale of a time, I wished all good days were as easy to find as rolling around in shit. I almost felt bad when Katie killed them all with half a bottle of Mr. Muscle. 


In other news... There isn't any. But here are some things I've learnt this week:

  • Ducks can fly. I don't know how I've got to twenty years old without knowing this, but given that I nearly wet my pants when one flew over my head yesterday, I can assure you I didn't.
  • The fluffy flowers that have seeds on the top (commonly used as projectile weapons in primary school) are actually what used to be dandelions. I had to ring my dad to confirm this for me when I walked passed a piece of grass that had only one week ago been covered with bright yellow flowers. (This was the same walk as when the duck divebombed me - Thursday was a big day.)
  • If you watch Coronation Street, leave it six months, and then watch it again, Deirdre Rachid's voice will have dropped at least one octave.

8 comments:

Rob-M said...

So I was flicking through the books in Waterstones [Simon Reynolds book about Post-Punk to be exact]. When I discovered a handwritten note. I was hoping for a 'Willy Wonka' style 'golden ticket'. I was directed here instead. Was this the only note, or have you secreted them across the shop?

Amelie said...

Ah, alas, no golden ticket, just some rambling! There are a few of those lying around I think, I'd completely forgotten about them. Did you buy the book?

Rob-M said...

Actually. I'm glad you deposited that note 'cos it's quite a funny read! I was wondering though, why you were suprised that a tramp was 'well endowed'? It's like you're saying; "Small Penis? You ought to be ashamed of yourself! Start living on the streets NOW!!!

Amelie said...

Haha, well, I'm glad you think so! By 'tramp', I didn't mean homeless person, I meant vile human being. Not entirely sure why I felt a vile human being would have a small penis either, though.

Rob-M said...

No I didn't buy the book. I nearly stole it though. It's a really bad habit I've developed. Only books, nothing else. I sometimes buy one and steal one, like my own discount scheme. W. H. Smith's is easy, I acquired a 500 page hardback last week.

Amelie said...

I wouldn't recommend stealing from Waterstones. Mainly for reasons surrounding righteousness, but also because I've seen a pretty burly bouncer knocking around near the tills.

Rob-M said...

Righteousness? Smighteousness! I say.
I'm 6 feet 4 and 15 stones. Not that i want to come across all macho, but people do 'think twice'. Especially if you combine it with an 'unhinged stare' preferably with some high pitched muttering and a touch of drool at the corner of the mouth. I've found such tactics tend to deter most people over the years [especially chavs, I think it's the fear of the unknown that scares 'em]

Taaryn said...

AWWWW Amy! You left notes in books for people? That's so cute!