Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Curriculum Vitae; Name: Amy Rooke, Achievements to Date: Twelve Questionable Cornflake Cakes, One Smutty Essay and One Disintegrating Candle

If there's one thing I hate in life, it is trying to write about myself in a way which will make me sound dependable, professional, mature and able to put on the pretence of being a fully functioning human being; i.e. writing a CV. How you are meant to portray yourself in such a way without seeming either a) unprofessional, or b) a total pretentious fat-head, I will never know but today's efforts have definitely not propelled me into CV writing ecstasy. One of my university modules requires me to go on a six week work placement which, apparently, I agreed to do. Why or when I chose this is still a mystery to me, but what's done is done and now I am having to go through all the rigamarole of finding somewhere willing to temporarily employ me for a month and a half. A lot more hassle than it sounds. It was clear that the whole process was going to be highly distressing when Kezia e-mailed me a copy of her CV which was, needless to say, filled to the brim with work experience, exciting anecdotes of hitch-hiking to Morocco for charity and endless volunteering jobs. I soon found myself deleting anything worthy of an employers time of day, only to replace it with scratchy tales of secondary school work experience, my excessive knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System, and being captain of the school rounders team. Once. In year six. For a brief while I entertained the idea of including my highest score on Tetris (an impressive 342 lines) but decided against it after realising that this would be of no particular interest to anyone other than a computer games company, and even then I would be pushing it. I realised about five minutes after e-mailing a company that I needn't have bothered concentrating my efforts on the CV anyway as I somehow seem to have accidentally asked to be an employer rather than an employee. Now all I have to do is wait for them to e-mail back asking who I think I am and why I feel as though I am in a position to control the workers and take over the entire company. What fun! I was slightly cheered up though when Kezia rang telling me that she was walking down her street and had watched as a bird swooped down and stole a muffin clean out of a poor, unsuspecting man's hand... Although, it is slightly depressing when the highlight of your day is listening to other people's animal stories - even if they are hilarious.

There have been some positive things to come out of this week however; I have successfully completed and handed in my English essay after hours (alright, ten minutes at the most) of trying to figure out how to include the phrase 'faking an orgasm' without it sounding smutty. In the end, I decided there was no polite way of saying it and just had to stick it in there, hoping my lecturer wouldn't be too shocked - I had already used up all my brain power trying to remember the word 'associate' and couldn't force myself to waste efforts on trying to de-smut. I had also used up a significant amount of brain power trying to lengthen the word count after discovering that if I changed all the '1984's to 'nineteen eighty-four' I could add about an extra twenty/thirty words or so - result. Me, Jayne and Megan have also put our culinary skills to the test by making chocolate cornflake buns, the success of which is rather questionable... Life starts to look bleak when a simple task like that (which, might I add, is a common pastime amongst small children) manages to turn out looking something like this:


We decided that we probably shouldn't have added two massive lumps of butter to the mix, and then try to rectify the mistake by adding milk... But we will know for next time.

I have also decided to start saving money for Amsterdam so that, come Easter, I do not become pityingly desperate for money and have to resort to selling my things, or God forbid myself. The saving probably could have gone better this week, but for some reason I felt an overwhelming urge to invest my hard earned money in a candle whilst shopping in TescoHome with Romany. I'm not entirely sure why, especially seeing as we aren't even allowed them in our house, and it has since sat on my desk, unlit and most likely growing some form of mould. Ace.

1 comment:

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