Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Curriculum Vitae; Name: Amy Rooke, Achievements to Date: Twelve Questionable Cornflake Cakes, One Smutty Essay and One Disintegrating Candle

If there's one thing I hate in life, it is trying to write about myself in a way which will make me sound dependable, professional, mature and able to put on the pretence of being a fully functioning human being; i.e. writing a CV. How you are meant to portray yourself in such a way without seeming either a) unprofessional, or b) a total pretentious fat-head, I will never know but today's efforts have definitely not propelled me into CV writing ecstasy. One of my university modules requires me to go on a six week work placement which, apparently, I agreed to do. Why or when I chose this is still a mystery to me, but what's done is done and now I am having to go through all the rigamarole of finding somewhere willing to temporarily employ me for a month and a half. A lot more hassle than it sounds. It was clear that the whole process was going to be highly distressing when Kezia e-mailed me a copy of her CV which was, needless to say, filled to the brim with work experience, exciting anecdotes of hitch-hiking to Morocco for charity and endless volunteering jobs. I soon found myself deleting anything worthy of an employers time of day, only to replace it with scratchy tales of secondary school work experience, my excessive knowledge of the Dewey Decimal System, and being captain of the school rounders team. Once. In year six. For a brief while I entertained the idea of including my highest score on Tetris (an impressive 342 lines) but decided against it after realising that this would be of no particular interest to anyone other than a computer games company, and even then I would be pushing it. I realised about five minutes after e-mailing a company that I needn't have bothered concentrating my efforts on the CV anyway as I somehow seem to have accidentally asked to be an employer rather than an employee. Now all I have to do is wait for them to e-mail back asking who I think I am and why I feel as though I am in a position to control the workers and take over the entire company. What fun! I was slightly cheered up though when Kezia rang telling me that she was walking down her street and had watched as a bird swooped down and stole a muffin clean out of a poor, unsuspecting man's hand... Although, it is slightly depressing when the highlight of your day is listening to other people's animal stories - even if they are hilarious.

There have been some positive things to come out of this week however; I have successfully completed and handed in my English essay after hours (alright, ten minutes at the most) of trying to figure out how to include the phrase 'faking an orgasm' without it sounding smutty. In the end, I decided there was no polite way of saying it and just had to stick it in there, hoping my lecturer wouldn't be too shocked - I had already used up all my brain power trying to remember the word 'associate' and couldn't force myself to waste efforts on trying to de-smut. I had also used up a significant amount of brain power trying to lengthen the word count after discovering that if I changed all the '1984's to 'nineteen eighty-four' I could add about an extra twenty/thirty words or so - result. Me, Jayne and Megan have also put our culinary skills to the test by making chocolate cornflake buns, the success of which is rather questionable... Life starts to look bleak when a simple task like that (which, might I add, is a common pastime amongst small children) manages to turn out looking something like this:

We decided that we probably shouldn't have added two massive lumps of butter to the mix, and then try to rectify the mistake by adding milk... But we will know for next time.

I have also decided to start saving money for Amsterdam so that, come Easter, I do not become pityingly desperate for money and have to resort to selling my things, or God forbid myself. The saving probably could have gone better this week, but for some reason I felt an overwhelming urge to invest my hard earned money in a candle whilst shopping in TescoHome with Romany. I'm not entirely sure why, especially seeing as we aren't even allowed them in our house, and it has since sat on my desk, unlit and most likely growing some form of mould. Ace.

Monday, 18 January 2010

Life Lesson #76: Don't Make Resolutions That Are Impossible To Keep

New Years Resolutions:
  • At least try and have an average body clock - do not stay up until 7am until no reason Well, it is now 5:11, so this is a clear fail.
  • Stop eating crap - ice cream, coffee and ginger snaps do not constitute as a proper meal I have had all of these things in the past two hours, equalling another clear fail.
These evident failings have led me to be less enthusiastic about other resolutions, notably the one regarding my attendance at all my lectures unless I am drastically ill and/or dying. On Friday morning, I actually got up early in order to be on time for my seminar, but by the time I had reached the door of the vicarage I decided I couldn't bare the thought of two hours in a cripplingly stuffy room listening to a middle aged man, who is clearly going through some sort of mid-life crisis, drone on about Science Fiction novels whilst drinking tea out of what could only be described as the most feminine tea pot ever. So I went back home. (Sorry mum and dad, I promise I will go to them all from now on; I did do some extra work to make up for it, and I got a 2:1 in my essay!) I even sent my tutor an apologetic e-mail, although I almost accidentally put a kiss on the end of it, which could have been a little awkward and would probably have led to some kind of mild form of restraining order...

I realised yesterday that it is exactly fourteen weeks today until I am twenty years old and I can't say I am particularly confident that I will be ready and mature enough to be considered an 'adult'... I know technically I became an adult when I turned eighteen, but let's be honest here - when you turn eighteen, you still have two good years of being a teenager left so every cock up you make can be looked back on in fondness, as opposed to, 'oh shit. This is real life and I've just messed it up'. I should probably concentrate some of my efforts on becoming a little bit more mature, making a start with not bursting into random giggling fits when writing my essay because one of the characters in the book is called Fanny... And maybe also not be so amused by balancing porn star playing cards on sleeping people in my living room... (again, sorry mum and dad).

In good news, my dreaded presentation has been postponed until the 1st of February instead of today when it was meant to be, which I like to think is compensator for me going to all the lectures. Things on the work front are actually looking quite good for a change at the moment; I have 1,000 words of my essay already written and it has only take 24 hours. I've been rewarding myself with a game of Tetris every time I write a paragraph, so this is probably the only reason for my new found motivation to write, but still, the words are on the page so who can complain?

Monday, 11 January 2010

(insert catchy title here)

Somehow, between this time last week and tonight, my work load has started to mirror that of the Prime Minister's, I have lost all hope of ever regaining a normal sleeping pattern, and I have inadvertently dyed my face blue. I even wasted all my Olay facewipes trying to scrub the stupid CosmicBlue hairdye off my face, and given that they were about three quid per pack and you only get twenty in there, I’m starting to wonder whether I shouldn’t have just left it on and claimed I was supporting the new film Avatar by walking around with a blue face… I’d have probably lost what little respect most of my friends have for me, but at least I’d be a little more in the money. I also wrongly assumed that my seminar, like everyone else's, would be cancelled due to 'adverse weather conditions', i.e. a tiny bit of snow. However, it was not, but by the time I realised this I had already missed out on a gripping two hour discussion about Sci-Fi novels. Woe is me.

On the plus side, after a very unproductive weekend involving a lot of dancing to 80s music, and even more eating, I have just tonight managed to get my presentation up to 8 minutes, meaning I only have 2 minutes left to fill until I am done. Excellent. What is not excellent, I have come to realise, is The Exorcist, which I watched for the first time ever last night with Jayne and Megan. Don't get me wrong, parts of it left me clinging to the sofa attempting not to wee, but after watching a girl possessed by Satan run downstairs doing a backwards crab, I was unable to take it particularly seriously.

In other news, I went out for lunch on Friday with Kez and Alex and came home having agreed to a weekend in Amsterdam in March, which gives me something to look forward to in the next few months of work, work and more work. Unfortunately, the trip to Amsterdam means I'm going to miss Jayne's birthday and consequently miss watching the first I-Am-Twenty breakdown of the house. Looks like I'm going to have to buy her an extra ace birthday present. And, it's a bit early to make decisions, but I'll possibly even stretch to a card.

Tuesday, 5 January 2010

Childbirth - If A Pig Can Do It, It Can't Be That Special, Can It?

I don't think there is anything in this world more gutting than going back to university and logging onto Facebook to see that everyone back home is having a snow day. Well, maybe accidentally eating a strawberry creme because you thought it was toffee, which happened to me the other day, but missing out on a snow day is definitely up there. Especially when I am missing out of fun like this (Kezia is the one on the left, I am on the right):

Although, by the end of the Christmas holidays, I was sort of getting sick of the snow (shock horror, I am getting old, I know), but I think that was mainly due to Saturday night when the taxi couldn't make it up my road and I had to slip and slide all the way down while the driver sat at the bottom staring at me, waiting with baited breath to see whether I would go arse over tit and fly headlong into his car. Which I did. He then proceeded to explain to me the concept of an igloo and tell me all about the depth of the snow in the 70s, when he 'was a lad', and how I should be thankful that I didn't have it worse. Sitting there soaking wet and bright red in the face, I was finding it difficult to be thankful about anything other than the four litres of Strongbow I had in my bag ready and waiting for me to drink when I got to Taaryn's. Why I decided it would be a good idea to drink three out of the four litres, I will never know, but I do know that it came to a sticky end, mainly involving me falling into a tree and knocking it over in Taaryn's living room, scattering soil all over her cream carpet... Thankfully, Lyn came to the rescue and helped cleaned it up by herself. Needless to say, Sally and I went home shortly after and I have a vague recollection of chatting away to her parents when we got back, probably making a complete tit out of myself, but what can you do?

I had my last shift at work on Saturday and got offered a full-time job if I decided I wanted to drop out of uni. I'm not entirely sure why, given that I had been found earlier on in the day lying on the floor of the walk-in fridge with my tongue hanging out, pretending to be dead... (For the record, playing dead isn't something I normally practice within the workplace, I was waiting to be discovered by the person who found it amusing to lock me in there in the first place. Unfortunately, the wrong person discovered my 'body' and had the shock of his poor young life). But anyway, I am back safe and sound in Chester now and will hopefully keep out of trouble for a while. I had a minor panic in the car after my dad had picked me up when I realised I had left my laptop at home and we had to go back immediately and collect it. It was only after we had turned around and were almost home again that I realised I had actually packed it in my backpack the night before... My father was less than pleased, to say the least. After that we picked up a hungover Megan and thankfully the journey ran without further hiccups, even though I still have a horrid feeling I have left something important behind. I definitely do not feel like I have had a sufficient break from lectures, and the two I've had so far this week have been less than enthralling. Most of yesterday's lecture was spent listening to my lecturer ponder over why he kept getting Viagra e-mails and messages from 'lonely girls'. He came to the conclusion that they were lonely because they were sending porn to people they didn't know, so decided to e-mail back in an attempt to stop them. Unfortunately, the e-mail address did not accept incoming mail and, looking slightly put out, he decided to give up. This morning's seminar was not much better, mainly due to the fact that it made me realise how little I understood about poetry when I was asked what happened when the sailors ate the man in Don Juan... At no point in the poem did I recognise any signs of cannibalism, nor from the faces of my classmates did anyone else. Either my teacher is crazy, or we are all reading the wrong thing. Both of these seem highly likely, especially the former seeing as she spent a good half an hour ranting about how she doesn't think the queen can even read and how overrated childbirth actually is: 'I mean, if pigs can do it, it can't be that special can it?'... I guess not.

Edit: It has started snowing like mad in Chester, and we have since built an amazing snowman named Jeremy. This is him:

Friday, 1 January 2010

"I Love NYE"

Why is it that people say, ‘merry Christmas’ and yet we would never say, ‘merry New Year’? This is the question I have been pondering for the past ten minutes whilst sat in my living room on my own trying to decide whether to watch Bridget Jones’ Diary or Titanic and eating my way through an entire packet of Angel Delight. I feel relatively sick now but I’m quite sure I will soon make a start on the box of breadsticks that are creeping into my eyeline from the kitchen worktop, ruining at least one of my New Year’s Resolutions before the day has even begun.

Definitely going to start on my resolutions tomorrow, first and foremost I am actually going to do some work given that I’ve had very little time recently due to family parties/working horrid hours/being lazy etc, mainly just watching BID TV and discussing with Sally all the useless shit we could buy. I used to think infomercials were a complete waste of time, but after watching 27 minutes worth of advertising for the ‘EZ Bed’ my mind was changed. I felt a bit weary at the beginning when the ‘leading lady’ exclaimed with such horror about how sleeping bags are ‘the WORST’ and there is nothing more embarrassing than making your guest sleep on the floor (which I found odd, as I have made guests sleep on the floor before, and flying into a magazine rack in a trolley in Tesco definitely still trumps it on the embarrassment scale), but by the end I can’t say I wasn’t drawn in. Apparently it is like sleeping on a cloud, and after watching it inflate and deflate itself in LESS THAN THIRTY SECONDS, I was most definitely on the verge of ordering one and was just about to pick up the phone when a new advert started for an EcoSteamMaster and I was sucked in by that one also. Decided it was time to stop when I felt an overpowering urge to buy a WonderMop and went to bed in an attempt to sleep off Tuesday night’s hangover after one of Auntie Sue’s infamous house parties. I spent most of Wednesday morning throwing up and hanging my head out of the car window on the M62, hoping against hope that I wouldn’t throw up in the Pringles tube so thoughtfully provided by my sister. Finally felt well enough to go into work at 4 o’clock, by which time I didn’t really see much point seeing as we closed at 6, but as is life, I struggled through. Most definitely didn’t feel up to drinking again tonight and am extremely glad I stayed in with Bridget Jones and a host of snack food to keep me company. Roll on 2010!