Sunday, 15 November 2009

Two Chinese Lesbians, A Sex Toy, And More Than One Octopus. Does Life Get Any Better?

Before I started university, all people spoke to me about were things like how to go four weeks without washing clothes, where to get the cheapest alcohol, what to do if you find yourself being faceraped in the middle of Brannigan's, and other student-y things - no one ever told me how much work there would be, how difficult it would be to do, and that I would wind up on the verge of dropping out when I heard the words 'essay deadline'. I went to the library the other day to attempt to find some books that were even slightly relevant to my presentation and, after a fruitless search, decided it would just be better to play some 'introductory songs' - for example, Stairway To Heaven, American Pie, Bat Out Of Hell, or any other song that lasts longer than 8 minutes, leaving only ten minutes for a pointless statement about religion and a Q&A session about Meatloaf and Don McLean. I have also realised that everything I was ever taught about the Romantic poets is wrong, which I found out the hard way in Tuesday's seminar when my tutor let me ramble on for a good ten minutes before stopping me and telling me that everything I was saying was wank. However, on my way out I saw a grown man riding a child's scooter and felt a little better about myself.
This feeling was unfortunatey shortlived - I felt all dignity leave my body as it lay sprawled, face down and covered in cider, on the floor of Brannigan's on Wednesday night. I was helped up by a boy from my Sociology class that I have never met and was, unsurprisingly, the only housemate to go the bed alone.
Thursday passed with little excitement - I had a meeting with my tutor, who did not look anything like I remembered her looking, resulting in me being confused for the entire meeting until realising that the picture I had in my head was actually of Carol McGriffin from Loose Women... Could have been mortifying, but thankfully was not. What was mortifying, however, was having to be dragged home from the SU by Sam and Chris on Friday night as I was somehow unable to hold myself up and very closely resembled an adolescent Bambi. My head felt like it was about to explode this morning and the hangover was definitely not helped by being shown a video consisting of two Chinese lesbians, a sex toy and several octopus. Octopuses. Octopi? Today's exciting events also included McDonald's (yes, exciting), a Mock The Week marathon with Jayne, and Kez calling up in a voice an octave higher than usual and screeching excitedly down the phone that there was going to be a TV program about Enid Blyton. I can guarantee that said program will be the highlight of next Monday and will probably continue to be the highlight of my week. I really hope I am not in my prime.

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